Flirt with someone 4 carts in front of you. Reel them in by mentioning your parent’s fleet of jet skis or flashing your Costco card. If you’re hot enough, they’ll fall for it and let you proceed them in line. Hold hands with someone of the same gender. It’s like the cheese touch but in Utah—the people around you will take 3 steps back, allowing … Continue reading Six Ways to Bypass the Line at the Neighborhood Walmart
Due to the unfortunate heat-trapping of greenhouse gases and shrinking of ice glaciers, the church has decided that it is unethical to keep this beloved hymn in the primary hymn book. “I’m going to miss this song, however, every time I think of it now, I can’t help but imagine all the polar bears who are losing their homes as we speak,” said Sister Smith, … Continue reading “Once There Was A Snowman” Removed from the Primary Hymnbook Due to Global Warming
In what is being referred to as “an act of divine intervention,” a prospective missionary from Budge Hall was struck by lightning moments after ignoring the introductory paragraphs of his mission call. Brockson Thornton, 18, was caught up in the fervor of twenty other young men opening their calls in the Budge lobby of Tuesday night. “It was awesome at first,” remarked Thornton’s roommate, Brad … Continue reading Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote
The closing of a prayer at 2:50pm marks the end of another class period on BYU campus for hundreds of students, ushering them to the bus stop to board the famous BYU shuttle, The Ryde, for their trip home. Though this transportation system is famous for transporting impressive quantities of students from campus to their overpriced apartment buildings, it had not yet realized its full … Continue reading MIRACLE: BYU shuttle manages to fit 95% of student population in just one trip. Saves 33,000 students from having to walk less than 1 mile home.
As a new semester dawns, students across campus confront astronomical textbook prices and some turn to less-than-legitimate sources for class materials. In an interview with his bishop earlier this morning, freshman Ammon Zedekiahson confessed to engaging in the unthinkable: downloading pirated textbooks off a shady website. “I just couldn’t deal with the guilt,” Zedekiahson said through tears. “I’ve never done something this terrible.” Jeremy Jensen, … Continue reading Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop
