Tag: Featured

Campus, Life

Student Beginning to Realize Just How Screwed She is for Midterms

In the season of unexpected snowstorms and uninvited professions of love come the nemesis of every college student: midterms. According to reliable sources, one local student has declared that she is “completely screwed” for all her upcoming exams. “I just don’t know what to do,” freshman Carolyne Carter lamented. “I thought the semester started a few days ago, and now I’ve got tests and projects … Continue reading Student Beginning to Realize Just How Screwed She is for Midterms

Kit Kittredge
Life

Provo Stake Honors EQPs This Presidents’ Day

The Provo YSA 147th Stake is honoring their Elders Quorum Presidents (EQPs) this Presidents’ Day. The stake president, Ehren Rojhers, made sure to have people ready to serve all the EQPs all day. They started with breakfast in bed and homemade cards from members of the ward. The rest of the day was filled with many service projects. Rojhers said, “Our guys spend an average … Continue reading Provo Stake Honors EQPs This Presidents’ Day

Cameron Frye
Life

Every Couple You Know Gets Engaged Over Valentine’s Weekend

In what experts are referring to as an “unprecedented catastrophe”, every person currently in a relationship in Provo got engaged over Valentine’s Weekend, leaving the city in a state of romantic chaos. The Provo City Council declared a state of emergency on Friday as the number of proposals skyrocketed. Local YSA bishoprics are also struggling against the sheer weight of the situation. “All temple schedulers … Continue reading Every Couple You Know Gets Engaged Over Valentine’s Weekend

Kit Kittredge
Featured, Life, Sports

Andy Reid Seen Crying, Singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes”

After losing the Super Bowl to the Eagles 40-22, Andy Reid was seen crying and singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes” in a dark corner of the locker room. “I have no words of my own. Only the words of EFY can help me now,” said Reid. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were also seen singing “I Am a Child of God.”   Continue reading Andy Reid Seen Crying, Singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes”

Cameron Frye
Campus, Featured, Life, News

Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

Don Cheadle