BYU: Theft Feb. 25 — A student’s innocence was reported stolen after attending an introductory biology class. Feb. 27 — The cryogenically frozen body of Wilford Woodruff was stolen from the Testing Center. Vandalism March 3 — Lipstick marks were found covering the Chief Massasoit statue. Suspicious Feb. 26 — A food science major was seen entering the Cannon Center. Animal problem March 2 — A report … Continue reading Police Beat: Feb. 28-March 7
After a week of 60-degree sunshine, Provo residents believed that winter was over and they could discard their gloves and long underwear and start playing spikeball again. Unfortunately, on Monday, Mother Nature struck with a frozen vengeance, confusing everyone. “This sucks,” says sophomore Jaxun Jackson. “I wore a t-shirt and shorts today and bam! It’s snowing. I mean, I probably would have worn that outfit … Continue reading Entire Campus Gets Duped By Mother Nature
A recent investigation into BYU’s Honor Code Office has confirmed what many have speculated for years—all lower-level employees have undergone the severance procedure. The severance procedure is a surgical operation that splits an employee’s work and personal memories into two distinct consciousnesses, essentially creating separate “work” and “personal” identities, preventing them from accessing information about their personal lives while at work and vice versa. This … Continue reading Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed
In a shocking turn of events, several students have claimed that the sushi served in the Wilkinson Center has had unexpected effects on their identities. While the science behind this phenomenon is still unknown, it appears that consuming the sushi has been reported to “turn students gay.” What dish specifically? To nobody’s surprise, the California Roll. “I was just grabbing lunch before my Book of … Continue reading Wilkinson Center Sushi Turning Students Gay
Here at The Alternate Universe, we receive all kinds of messages–ransom notes, declarations of love and adoration, world domination plans, you name it. As of late, we have received a particular influx of paranormal reports. Specifically, we are receiving accounts of cryptid sightings on BYU campus. As your primary source of the latest news, we are morally and legally obligated to provide you with the … Continue reading Campus Cryptids You Should Know About
