Tag: Featured

Featured, General Conference, News

Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

On the morning of April 6, 2024, at precisely 10:31 AM, brother Jared B. Larsen gave the audit report at the Saturday morning session of General Conference. Unbeknownst to  higher-ups, however, his report contained the secret to eternal life, coded in the language of boring financial jargon. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Russell M. Nelson, watching from home, said. “It’s lowkey clutch I … Continue reading Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

Kit Kittredge
Life, News

Yum! Sodalicious Releases Eight Exciting New Drinks

You’ve heard of the NCMO, the 2nd Wife, and the Civil Marriage. Get ready for the eight latest beverage concoctions from everyone’s favorite soda chain! COCONUT CONCUBINE: Water from King Henry’s hot tub with raspberry and coconut cream. THE SWEATY VELOUR: White Monster infused with Blink-182 covers and a mentally ill bass player. DISFELLOWSHIPPED: 7-Up with strawberry and a disciplinary vibe check. TUNNEL SINGING GROPE: … Continue reading Yum! Sodalicious Releases Eight Exciting New Drinks

Anya Forger
Campus, Life

C. Shane Reese Quotes Kendrick Lamar to First-Gen Graduates

Friday evening, BYU President C. Shane Reese quoted Kendrick Lamar at a dinner for first generation graduates. “To quote one of the greatest lyricists of all time, Kendrick Lamar, ‘Be humble,’” said Reese. Reese, himself a first-generation college graduate, then used Lamar’s “HUMBLE.” to illustrate the principle of humility. This is within the range of normal behavior for the university president. Reese is famously engaged … Continue reading C. Shane Reese Quotes Kendrick Lamar to First-Gen Graduates

Paul Atreides
Life, missionary

Missionary Realizes New Testament is Actually Fire

Today, Elder Michael McMasterson of the Australia Melbourne Mission admitted that he started reading the New Testament for the first time earlier this week. In an email he wrote: “I never knew this, but the New Testament is actually fire. Jesus and Paul really be saying a lot of dope stuff.” McMastersons’ parents, Donny and Mary, are both elated and disappointed: “He’s 20-years-old and we … Continue reading Missionary Realizes New Testament is Actually Fire

Cameron Frye