Tag: Church

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LDS Church Approves Contact-Free Baptisms

Due to the recent spike in COVID-19 cases, the LDS Church has announced the use of contact-free baptisms.  In a letter to stake presidents and bishops the First Presidency said, “During these trying times, we have considered many options for accommodating extenuating circumstances. We continue to introduce changes and our missionaries have adapted well. In order to best help our members and those interested in … Continue reading LDS Church Approves Contact-Free Baptisms

Cameron Frye
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Quarantined Missionary Finally Memorizes the Entire Old Testament

After four long months of effort, Sister Ramona Jenkins has finally memorized the Old Testament of her KJV Bible. Missionaries have been forced to spend the majority of their time in their apartments since March and many have used the extra time to do family history work or call members and investigators. Sister Jenkins decided to use the time to commit the entirety of the … Continue reading Quarantined Missionary Finally Memorizes the Entire Old Testament

Donald Cherry
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Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

When famous rapper, singer, and songwriter Kanye West announced that he would be running for president earlier this week, few people took him seriously. Just this morning, however, West doubled-down on his presidential aspirations, releasing a detailed platform of ideas. Critics are already pointing out that the 70-page manifesto is based entirely on the text and melodies of the Children’s Songbook of the Church of … Continue reading Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

Warren Dusenberry
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Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints went through a rollercoaster of emotions last week as beloved apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was admitted to a Utah hospital and released days later. Although the Church did not explain the reason for the hospitalization in its official statement, sources close to Holland confirm that the apostle fell violently ill after huffing an entire … Continue reading Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Warren Dusenberry
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Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

According to a statement released by the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints, missionaries representing the Church can now give off chiller vibes. Prior to the statement, which was released on Friday, missionaries of both genders were supposed to look lame all the time. Sometimes, the boys got mistaken for the FBI, but even that was rare. “We just wanted people to know that we … Continue reading Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

Liz Lemon