Tag: Campus

Campus

Student finally realizes we live in a simulation after “sus” NPC activity on campus

Keanu Jermichaelson, a senior at BYU majoring in Ancient Scripture, finally came to terms with his futile existence. As we are all well aware, we live in a simulation created by our technological overlords Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos. But surprisingly, there are only a select few remaining who have not accepted this. Jermichaelson was one of them. “I just started to notice that things … Continue reading Student finally realizes we live in a simulation after “sus” NPC activity on campus

Bobby Zimmeruski
Campus, Featured

BYU Gym Employee Fired After Playing Music With an Actual Beat

This past Tuesday, Billy Eilish started off his shift at his newly acquired gym job with a plan to change the world. “I had been working at the [BYU Gym] for about two weeks and the music was driving me insane,” Billy told the Alternate Universe. “After hearing exclusively Coldplay and Imagine Dragons for two straight weeks, I was ready to be swallowed in the … Continue reading BYU Gym Employee Fired After Playing Music With an Actual Beat

Bobby Zimmeruski
Campus, Featured

BYU Police employs military-grade solutions for jaywalkers and grass-walking students

I want you to close your eyes and think to yourself right now: What is the worst part about BYU? Come on, do it. I don’t see those eyes closed. There we go, nice job. You can open your eyes. What did you say was the worst part about BYU? Did you say the people? American Heritage? Economics with Professor Kearl? Not being able to … Continue reading BYU Police employs military-grade solutions for jaywalkers and grass-walking students

Bobby Zimmeruski
Campus, Featured

BYU student dies after purposely contracting leprosy to “stand apart from the COVID crowd”

“This is why I flooded the Earth guys…Do I need to do it again?” – God, probably Just like the guy who doesn’t realize the party has ended and as clearly overstayed his welcome, COVID has once again run rampant across the United States. The new Omicron variant has revived COVID from the ashes and now it has its eyes set on infecting every single person … Continue reading BYU student dies after purposely contracting leprosy to “stand apart from the COVID crowd”

Bobby Zimmeruski
Campus, Featured

Student wakes up just in time for finals after hitting snooze button on first day of classes

We all fall victim to the notorious snooze bottom every once and awhile. Some of us, a little too often. One student decided to press his luck a little too far. On the first day of classes, Denzel Von Shrouttenbottom was woken up abruptly for his 7:00 am yoga class by his alarm. The sweet sound of “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical … Continue reading Student wakes up just in time for finals after hitting snooze button on first day of classes

Bobby Zimmeruski