Tag: BYU

Campus, Featured, Life, News

Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

Don CheadleLeave a comment
Campus

MIRACLE: BYU shuttle manages to fit 95% of student population in just one trip. Saves 33,000 students from having to walk less than 1 mile home. 

The closing of a prayer at 2:50pm marks the end of another class period on BYU campus for hundreds of students, ushering them to the bus stop to board the famous BYU shuttle, The Ryde, for their trip home. Though this transportation system is famous for transporting impressive quantities of students from campus to their overpriced apartment buildings, it had not yet realized its full … Continue reading MIRACLE: BYU shuttle manages to fit 95% of student population in just one trip. Saves 33,000 students from having to walk less than 1 mile home. 

Kim PossibleLeave a comment
Campus

Ghost of MLK Thanks BYU for Ending Racism

Early this morning, the administration of BYU received an angelic message from on high. The benevolent Ghost of Martin Luther King Jr. proclaimed that “Brigham Young University has done more to combat racism than any other institution on the planet.” MLK’s ghost cited many examples of students from Utah finally encountering their first person of color. “Coming to BYU taught me that people of color … Continue reading Ghost of MLK Thanks BYU for Ending Racism

Cameron Frye
Campus, Life

BYU Parking Police Super Chill Now, Announce “Just Park Anywhere”

The ever-stringent BYU parking authorities have relaxed their policies today, declaring that students and staff alike can, “just park wherever, man.” C. Carr Park, head of the parking division of BYU Security explained further that, “Effective immediately: all parking regulations and restrictions are lifted until further notice. If there’s anywhere with enough space for a car, you can park there.” President Reese commented on the … Continue reading BYU Parking Police Super Chill Now, Announce “Just Park Anywhere”

Paul Hollywood
Campus, Featured, Spotlight

Spotlight on the Bell Tower

From the first day any of us set foot on campus and saw the beautiful Centennial Carillon Tower, we’ve all been wondering the exact same thing: how much bell could a bell tower tow if a bell tower could tow bell? Well, unfortunately, these facts will not address that question in the slightest. 1. The bell tower was reportedly built. 2. It was originally called … Continue reading Spotlight on the Bell Tower

Don Cheadle