New BYUSA President Signs New Executive Orders
In an effort to preserve BYU greatness, our new BYUSA president has swiftly enacted a comprehensive list of executive decisions to take effect immediately. Take a look: Reducing the radical cost of vending machine sandwiches The chicken bacon ranch ciabatta will now cost only 50 cents Securing the border between UVU and BYU campus The border will be strengthened to prevent the flow of progressive … Continue reading New BYUSA President Signs New Executive Orders
Choose2Give Campaign Resorts to Vigilantism
After receiving less donations than expected this year, the Choose2Give campaign has hired a masked figure to secure sufficient funds for students in need. These funds are reportedly being procured through the attacking of random students and redistributing the loot to other random students. “He’s like a broken Robin Hood that steals from the poor to give to the poor,” says economics major Nataleigh Bryant. … Continue reading Choose2Give Campaign Resorts to Vigilantism
Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm
Based on official reports out of the testing center, Brayzden Richards has set the record for the fastest midterm with a time of 22.1 seconds. He narrowly beat the previous record of 37 minutes. Brayzden Richards explained that he didn’t even look at the test, “I was completely unprepared, so I went in with ‘When in doubt, ‘C’ it out!’” It was a true/false exam. … Continue reading Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm
Police Beat: Feb. 28-March 7
BYU: Theft Feb. 25 — A student’s innocence was reported stolen after attending an introductory biology class. Feb. 27 — The cryogenically frozen body of Wilford Woodruff was stolen from the Testing Center. Vandalism March 3 — Lipstick marks were found covering the Chief Massasoit statue. Suspicious Feb. 26 — A food science major was seen entering the Cannon Center. Animal problem March 2 — A report … Continue reading Police Beat: Feb. 28-March 7
Entire Campus Gets Duped By Mother Nature
After a week of 60-degree sunshine, Provo residents believed that winter was over and they could discard their gloves and long underwear and start playing spikeball again. Unfortunately, on Monday, Mother Nature struck with a frozen vengeance, confusing everyone. “This sucks,” says sophomore Jaxun Jackson. “I wore a t-shirt and shorts today and bam! It’s snowing. I mean, I probably would have worn that outfit … Continue reading Entire Campus Gets Duped By Mother Nature
