Category: Uncategorized

Featured, News, Uncategorized

Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Through our very intense journalism efforts, The Alternate Universe discovered a surprising secret last week: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints audits BYU students who do not pay their tithing. After uncovering this secret The Alternate Universe conducted a thorough series of interviews to get to the bottom of it. Lehi Turner, head Church accountant, told us, “We just want to make sure … Continue reading Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Sister Michael
Featured, Life, News, Uncategorized

Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, the church directs: “before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing”. For years, this counsel has left righteous Latter-Day Saint youths and young adults scratching their heads- what qualifies as “passionate kissing”? This morning, the First Presidency released a statement clarifying the Lord’s stance on kissing before marriage. It marked the first official instruction regarding chastity within the … Continue reading Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

Lisa Simpson
Uncategorized

BYU Fires Bridge Troll After Y Lit in Trans Flag Colors

Last Saturday evening, despite BYU’s new (and not at all homophobic) protest policies, a group of parents and allies lit up the Y in the colors of the transgender pride flag to show support for LGBTQ+ students. The following week, BYU announced that it was firing Chemish, the Bridge Troll guarding the mountain. “I’m not supposed to comment on ‘gay issues’ but one can say … Continue reading BYU Fires Bridge Troll After Y Lit in Trans Flag Colors

Sister Michael
Campus, Featured, Life, Uncategorized

Oscar for Best Actor Goes to Guy Pretending to Be Interested at Wilk Booth with Free Cookies

The votes are in. The 94th Academy Awards has named “the guy feigning interest at the Wilk booth in order to get a free cookie” the best actor of 2021. An exclusive interview with this man at the Oscar’s after party revealed more about what motivated his performance. “I have 23 cents in my bank account. I have subsisted on nothing but free booth cookies … Continue reading Oscar for Best Actor Goes to Guy Pretending to Be Interested at Wilk Booth with Free Cookies

Lisa Simpson