Category: Sports

Sports

Intramural Heroes Looking Forward to Another Dominant Year in Rookie Divison

It’s been nearly four months since intramural basketball powerhouse “The Ball Chillers” claimed their second consecutive rookie division title, but team captain Chad Powell isn’t satisfied. “We played well last year, but going 13-1 just sort of left a bad taste in my mouth.” says Powell. The Chillers bid for two consecutive undefeated seasons was spoiled by an unexpected 45-42 loss to league bottom-dwellers “Eight … Continue reading Intramural Heroes Looking Forward to Another Dominant Year in Rookie Divison

Donald Cherry
Sports

BYU Hires UVU’s Pope After 99.9th Percentile March Madness Bracket

After a brief but rather unorthodox search process, former UVU Men’s Basketball Coach Mark Pope has been hired to be the new Men’s Basketball coach at cross-town rival BYU. “We look forward to seeing what Coach Pope can do to bring our program back into the limelight,” says BYU Athletic Director Tom Holmoe “after all, he did have a 99.9% percentile March Madness Bracket, so … Continue reading BYU Hires UVU’s Pope After 99.9th Percentile March Madness Bracket

Donald Cherry
News, Sports

Report: BYU Demi-God Jimmer Fredette Returns from China

Former BYU basketball deity Jimmer Fredette has officially signed a contract with the Phoenix Suns of the NBA. His Eminence had been playing with the Shanghai Sharks of the Chinese Basketball Association where He worked miracles as league international MVP and led the league in scoring for the 2016-2017 season. The deal is for two years with a team option for the second year when … Continue reading Report: BYU Demi-God Jimmer Fredette Returns from China

Donald Cherry
Life, Sports

Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Following another disappointing loss, head coach Kalani Sitake is aggressively preparing for the football team’s next game against Boise State by actively applying for open positions at every Taco Bell across Utah. “I think we have a real chance against Boise State, but it will be a challenge.” Sitake expressed disinterestedly while scrolling through Taco Bell’s “Careers” webpage, “They’ve got a powerful company culture and … Continue reading Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Warren Dusenberry
News, Sports

Breaking: Cosmo Will Continue Performing Despite Loss of Head

BYU’s beloved mascot Cosmo the Cougar scared football fans for life last Saturday when, mid-flip, the iconic feline’s giant head became completely detached from his body and was horrifyingly launched onto the field. (Warning: graphic content. Video can be watched here.) Down-trodden but not defeated, an upbeat Cosmo appeared at a university press conference Monday and unequivocally affirmed his plans to continue performing this season – … Continue reading Breaking: Cosmo Will Continue Performing Despite Loss of Head

Warren Dusenberry