Category: News

News

Lonely Man Brings Back Scratcher to Sacrament Meeting

The back scratching phenomenon is one of the most fascinating nuances of Utah’s unique cultural landscape. Walk into any YSA sacrament meeting and you’ll see dozens of young women scratching their boyfriend’s backs. Is this a show of affection? Are they marking their territory? Are half the men in Provo plagued with some mysterious itchy rash? Driven by curiosity, one lonely young man decided to … Continue reading Lonely Man Brings Back Scratcher to Sacrament Meeting

Anya Forger
News

Devastating! She’s Just Using You For Your Ikon Pass

Once the snow melts, Utah therapists are flooded with thousands of heartbroken young skiers. Cuffing season ends and dumping season begins when dating an Ikon Pass holder becomes less important than securing an invite to Lake Powell. If you hold an Ikon Pass, please read the following cautionary tales to prevent emotional turmoil in the spring.  “I can’t believe I fell for the slut strands … Continue reading Devastating! She’s Just Using You For Your Ikon Pass

Anya Forger
Featured, News

Professor Who Bible Swears Kind of Pushing It Today

The Alternate Universe is dedicated to delivering the most accurate news to the people of Provo. So when our informants told us about a section of American Heritage with a waitlist of 127 students, we knew we had to do some investigative journalism. After just a few minutes in the lecture hall, an undercover AU reporter discovered the reason for the section’s popularity: Dr. Patrick … Continue reading Professor Who Bible Swears Kind of Pushing It Today

Anya Forger
Campus, Featured, News, Uncategorized

‘Tall Club’ President Revealed to be 3 Freshmen In Trench Coat

BYU’s newest extracurricular organization ‘Tall Club’ is currently experiencing a power vacuum after the exposure of the club’s president as only 3 freshman in a trench coat. The main eyewitness was taking a bathroom break during a meeting when he got a surprise he wasn’t prepared for. “The top one was trying to use the urinal and basically the whole disguise fell apart,” reported 6’4″ … Continue reading ‘Tall Club’ President Revealed to be 3 Freshmen In Trench Coat

Lisa Simpson
Campus, News

American Heritage TA Drunk With Power

As finals approach, TAs all over campus are being flooded with requests from their students begging for extra credit and help. It’s gone to American Heritage TA Mahonri Dahl’s head. “I am all powerful,” cackled Dahl as he put a crown of Scantrons onto his head. “These freshmen shall bow before me and know the might of a teaching assistant!” “Is this another rule of … Continue reading American Heritage TA Drunk With Power

Paul Atreides