Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

History was made in Omaha on Thursday as a BYU basketball player declared that he would lead the university to paradise and a National Championship before their first March Madness game. “No one in this room can stand against me,” declared point guard Dallin Hall as he took center court before Thursday’s game. “Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment.” Mark Pope, … Continue reading Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

Sales Recruiter Trained by Bene Gesserit Has a Profitable Afternoon

It’s that time of year. Summer sales recruiters are descending on the Cougareat like a plague of charismatic locusts. One Vivint rep has been staggeringly successful. In a single day, Brosh Duncan managed to convince two thousand freshmen to spend their summers hawking solar panels. “There’s something really believable about Brosh,” says Tyler Bowman, a recent recruit. “He’s such a cool guy!” However, there’s more … Continue reading Sales Recruiter Trained by Bene Gesserit Has a Profitable Afternoon

Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

Earlier this week, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints acquired the Kirtland Temple from the Community of Christ. According to a report, the purchase was made for approximately $192 million. The reason for obtaining the building was explained by President Russell M. Nelson. “There’s always money in the Kirtland Temple” said Nelson with a wink. “We needed to reacquire it because there were … Continue reading Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

BYUSA Election undergoes Investigation after suspected Interference by BYUSSR

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Overzealous Bishop Slashes Power Lines on Super Bowl Sunday

The Super Bowl presents a unique temptation to break the Sabbath. After years of watching faithful young adults wander down the path of destruction, Bishop Belnap of the Provo 675th ward knew that something had to be done.  “Clearly, the temptation of watching the Super Bowl on the Sabbath is just too much for them to handle,” Bishop Belnap says. “I felt inspired to simply … Continue reading Overzealous Bishop Slashes Power Lines on Super Bowl Sunday