Recent reports from students and faculty alike allege that there is a vigilante figure cutting holes in the kneecaps of pants. Their identity and motives remain unknown. We interviewed Jason Peters, a recent victim, at a nearby Walmart. “I had to stay home for a week when my only pants were cut, I felt so dirty showing my kneecaps in public,” says Jason Peters, a … Continue reading Anti-Honor Code Vigilante Cuts Holes in Jeans
Watch out, freshmen! Chipman Hall’s entire first floor has reported cases of Ligma, a nasty foot fungus that turns your nails yellow and causes the skin to turn porous. Other symptoms include diarrhea, nosebleeds, foot acne, dancing feet, and an inexplicable desire to join team Edward. Sarah Winters says, “Everyone in our hall is livid. None of us can go to the pool on Saturday … Continue reading Foot Fungus Outbreak at Helaman Halls
DEVELOPING – the BYU robotics department has just completed its first prototype of a hearing aid that will detect the word “frick” in all of its forms and block the audio before its wearer can hear it. The project was a senior project created by Kaitlyn McBride and overseen by Robotics teacher Brother Dean. The Alternative Universe was able to get exclusive access to an … Continue reading BYU Robotics Department Creates Hearing Aid That Cuts Off Audio Whenever the Word “Frick” Is Used
BYU students and the general public alike are already crying “copycat” over the new face of Utah Valley University. Last Friday, UVU announced that they were lying their mascot Willy the Wolverine to rest to make room for their new figurehead, “Costco”. Costco is a 6 foot tall Ocelot who specializes in clogging. Though he sports green rather than blue, he seems eerily similar to … Continue reading UVU announces new mascot “Costco the Ocelot”
Last week, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced the release of 66 area seventies, one of which happened to be BYU’s own fearless leader President Kevin “The Rock” Worthen. As Kevin’s call to the clergy comes to a close, he finds himself with one too many doors open. What time he used to spend in the work of the Lord, he’s now … Continue reading President Worthen plans to cook, knit, and more after being released as Area Authority
