Category: News

Campus, Life, News

Biting “Zombie” in Clyde Building Actually Just Horny Student

You may have heard screams coming from the southeast corner of campus. In the Clyde Building, McFury Tryxton Johansen enjoyed his afternoon snack. One may assume that calling for daddy is a cry for help, so an eighty-five-year-old professor clonked McFury over the head with a chair. Days later, when McFury finally woke up, Dr. Griswold discovered the frightening truth – McFury was making out. … Continue reading Biting “Zombie” in Clyde Building Actually Just Horny Student

Renesmee
Life, News, Uncategorized

New Study Links Creamery Products to Male Pattern Baldness

The epidemic of male pattern baldness at Brigham Young University is truly frightening. Every two minutes, a balding returned missionary asks out an unsuspecting freshman girl. Now, groundbreaking research from the Developmental Biology Department of Research at the University of Utah has discovered a connection between the onset of male pattern baldness and the amount of BYU Creamery products consumed, offering new information about the … Continue reading New Study Links Creamery Products to Male Pattern Baldness

Kayteigh Leigh
Featured, Life, News

LDS Tools Reveals New $8 Verification Subscription Service

Following in fellow billionaire Elon Musk’s footsteps, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints decided to implement their own spin on Twitter’s new verification service: subscription-based verification on the popular app, LDS Tools. $8/month provides members with services such as filters and airbrushing options on their photos, date discounts every time a number is copied and texted from the app, and of course a … Continue reading LDS Tools Reveals New $8 Verification Subscription Service

Cody Maverick
Featured, Life, News

Batman Retires After Learning From Missionaries that He Can See His Parents Again

When Elder John Bennett and Elder Ethan Howe were abducted by the Riddler, they weren’t worried. They had seen The Saratov Approach and knew that only good things happened to kidnapped missionaries. Like the good Mormon boys they were, they kneeled down and prayed for a miracle. The miracle they received wasn’t what they expected. Not an angel of heaven, but a Dark Knight. The … Continue reading Batman Retires After Learning From Missionaries that He Can See His Parents Again

Macho Man Randy Savage
Campus, Featured, News

BYU Proposes ‘Subtle Changes’ to Y Mountain in New Rendering

Have you ever thought Y Mountain looked a bit bland? Like it was missing something? Maybe four gigantic stone carvings of the most influential LDS figures? Well then it seems stupid minds think alike, because BYU has proposed the stone faces of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Donny Osmond, and hot Nephi to grace the mountain. Project manager Starling Painthuffer confirmed the proposed plans on November … Continue reading BYU Proposes ‘Subtle Changes’ to Y Mountain in New Rendering

Sue Sylvester