Here at BYU, students do more than just soak with each other. They also soak up the sun the moment it peeks out of the clouds of Fake Spring. However, the recent death of sophomore Bryce Garrison, 23, has cast a dismal shadow over campus. Garrison’s body was discovered on the lawn near the Joseph Knight Building on Friday by a groundskeeper who noticed he … Continue reading Dead Body Mistaken as Sunbather Goes Unnoticed for Days
The CougarEat was thrown into chaos last week when religious studies major Gordon Jacobsen unexpectedly began flipping tables and attempting to “cast out” the employees of Chick-Fil-A and other establishments. “To defile the Lord’s campus in such a way is nothing short of an affront to God,” said Jacobsen. “Jesus overthrew the seats of those who overcharge for doves in Matthew 21:12. Those who overcharge … Continue reading Misguided Religious Studies Major Flips Tables at the Cougareat
Based on official reports out of the testing center, Brayzden Richards has set the record for the fastest midterm with a time of 22.1 seconds. He narrowly beat the previous record of 37 minutes. Brayzden Richards explained that he didn’t even look at the test, “I was completely unprepared, so I went in with ‘When in doubt, ‘C’ it out!’” It was a true/false exam. … Continue reading Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm
With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall
Vexillologists and incels alike have argued that the recently implemented redesign of our state flag is far more progressive and inclusive than Brigham Young ever intended for Utah to be. And after careful examination, we’ve discovered that they are right to be outraged. Let’s start with the obvious one. The woke mob is obsessed with including people, and in this case, they just had to … Continue reading Is the New Utah Flag Woke?
