After losing the Super Bowl to the Eagles 40-22, Andy Reid was seen crying and singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes” in a dark corner of the locker room. “I have no words of my own. Only the words of EFY can help me now,” said Reid. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were also seen singing “I Am a Child of God.” Continue reading Andy Reid Seen Crying, Singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes”
With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall
Flirt with someone 4 carts in front of you. Reel them in by mentioning your parent’s fleet of jet skis or flashing your Costco card. If you’re hot enough, they’ll fall for it and let you proceed them in line. Hold hands with someone of the same gender. It’s like the cheese touch but in Utah—the people around you will take 3 steps back, allowing … Continue reading Six Ways to Bypass the Line at the Neighborhood Walmart
In what is being referred to as “an act of divine intervention,” a prospective missionary from Budge Hall was struck by lightning moments after ignoring the introductory paragraphs of his mission call. Brockson Thornton, 18, was caught up in the fervor of twenty other young men opening their calls in the Budge lobby of Tuesday night. “It was awesome at first,” remarked Thornton’s roommate, Brad … Continue reading Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday night changing the name of Utah Lake to BYU Lake. According to him, “It’s a change everyone has been wanting. ‘B-Y-U Lake’ just has a much better ring. BYU will reclaim its rightful place as the greatest, most powerful, most respected university on earth inspiring the awe, admiration of the entire world. We are changing the name … Continue reading Donald Trump Renames Utah Lake to “BYU Lake”
