Ladies, have you noticed the men in your life staring off into space after reading in Mosiah? How often does your boyfriend/fiancé/second cousin think about Captain Moroni, Alma the Younger, and King Benjamin? Has he ever said something like “Teancum was such a boss” or “Man, I wish Helaman was still around” or “I wrote in Pahoran for city council?” If so, you may be … Continue reading Provo Men Thinking About Zarahemla Again
The resurrected Samuel the Lamanite returned to the top of a wall for the first time in over 2000 years. He began his address saying that he was commanded to say many things that may be hard to hear: “I do not want to tell you this things, but it is my duty. So as the kids say, ‘sorry not sorry.’ ” From prophecies to … Continue reading Samuel the Lamanite Appears on Border Wall
In a dual effort to celebrate the beauty of fall and increase YSA ward attendance, the Utah Area Presidency has introduced a new pumpkin spice sacrament option. The recent change comes after a supposed correlation was found between a drop in fall YSA Ward attendance and a surprising rise in Starbucks revenues within the Utah Area. Further research found that this revenue spike came not … Continue reading Commemorative “Pumpkin Spice” Option Introduced to Sacrament Meeting
The Sun has returned. Yes, dear readers, through our combined prayers and diligence, we have brought back the orb of plasma that gives light and life to all on this ball of dirt. “Well, I guess I can get back to sinning,” was the response of Chet Jeffrey, Village resident and Aptive salesman. “I almost deleted Mutual, I was so scared.” Others, including Bradley Worthington, … Continue reading The Sun is Back
At approximately 10:28 am on Saturday the 14th, panicked observers in Utah reported that the Sun had disappeared. “ALL THERE IS IS A BLACK HOLE SURROUNDED BY FLAMES!” said Cannon Q. Georgeson, BYU freshman and business major. “THE END IS HERE!” Utah Governor Spencer Cox, BYU President C. Shane Reese, and other state officials prepared a military response to the darkening of the Sun. “We … Continue reading The Sun is Gone
