Breaking: Least Charismatic Person in Your Ward Called as Sunday School Teacher

Provo residents report an increasing struggle to stay for the 2nd hour block of church. In light of this decreasing attendance, Provo 2846th ward knew they had to step up and make a change. That’s why they called Derrick, the least charismatic person within ward boundaries, as sole Sunday school teacher. “He was the perfect fit. His voice drones on like a dying air conditioning … Continue reading Breaking: Least Charismatic Person in Your Ward Called as Sunday School Teacher

Lisa SimpsonMay 19, 2024

Featured, Life, News, Provo

BYU Student Solves Racism With Simple Equation

Well folks, the wait is finally over! Give your friend of color a high-five and maybe a kiss on the mouth because racism is officially done for. For years, expert sociologists have been trying to find a solution to discrimination, but some white boy just figured it out for a bit of Monday afternoon fun! The moment math and ethics prodigy Paxton Bright found the … Continue reading BYU Student Solves Racism With Simple Equation

Don CheadleMay 6, 2024May 6, 2024

Campus, Featured, Life

Official Class of 2024 Stats

As the class of 2024 goes out into the world to accomplish various tasks of minimal significance and further disappoint their parents and their spouses of 6 years, we look back at all of their greatest accomplishments during their time on campus. Continue reading Official Class of 2024 Stats

Don CheadleApril 24, 2024May 6, 2024

Featured, General Conference, News

Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

On the morning of April 6, 2024, at precisely 10:31 AM, brother Jared B. Larsen gave the audit report at the Saturday morning session of General Conference. Unbeknownst to higher-ups, however, his report contained the secret to eternal life, coded in the language of boring financial jargon. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Russell M. Nelson, watching from home, said. “It’s lowkey clutch I … Continue reading Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

Kit KittredgeApril 6, 2024April 6, 2024

Featured, News, Sports

Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

History was made in Omaha on Thursday as a BYU basketball player declared that he would lead the university to paradise and a National Championship before their first March Madness game. “No one in this room can stand against me,” declared point guard Dallin Hall as he took center court before Thursday’s game. “Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment.” Mark Pope, … Continue reading Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib