Category: Featured

Campus, Featured, Life, News

Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

Don Cheadle
Featured, Uncategorized

“Once There Was A Snowman” Removed from the Primary Hymnbook Due to Global Warming

Due to the unfortunate heat-trapping of greenhouse gases and shrinking of ice glaciers, the church has decided that it is unethical to keep this beloved hymn in the primary hymn book. “I’m going to miss this song, however, every time I think of it now, I can’t help but imagine all the polar bears who are losing their homes as we speak,” said Sister Smith, … Continue reading “Once There Was A Snowman” Removed from the Primary Hymnbook Due to Global Warming

Kim Possible
Campus, Featured

Student Breaks As Many Honor Code Rules As Possible Using Honor Week T-Shirt

The free t-shirt in the Wilk is every student’s favorite part of Honor Week. In fact, it’s probably the only reason any student is water that Honor Week is even a thing. However, concerns are being raised that these T-shirts may be more destructive than they are honorable, as one student has taken it upon himself to use the shirt to disobey as many policies … Continue reading Student Breaks As Many Honor Code Rules As Possible Using Honor Week T-Shirt

Marceline Abadeer
Featured, News

Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Vexillologists and incels alike have argued that the recently implemented redesign of our state flag is far more progressive and inclusive than Brigham Young ever intended for Utah to be. And after careful examination, we’ve discovered that they are right to be outraged. Let’s start with the obvious one. The woke mob is obsessed with including people, and in this case, they just had to … Continue reading Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Don Cheadle
Featured, Uncategorized

Do I have IBS or a student meal plan?

With a recent rise in clogged toilets at Helaman Halls, students have started to wonder if their gastrointestinal issues are signs of a new IBS diagnosis, or just because they are forced to eat at the cannon center. “I thought those bombs I dropped in the Budge hall toilet were a sign that I might have irritable bowel syndrome, but I’m starting to think it … Continue reading Do I have IBS or a student meal plan?

Kim Possible