Category: Featured

Featured

Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed

A recent investigation into BYU’s Honor Code Office has confirmed what many have speculated for years—all lower-level employees have undergone the severance procedure. The severance procedure is a surgical operation that splits an employee’s work and personal memories into two distinct consciousnesses, essentially creating separate “work” and “personal” identities, preventing them from accessing information about their personal lives while at work and vice versa. This … Continue reading Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Uncategorized

Wilkinson Center Sushi Turning Students Gay

In a shocking turn of events, several students have claimed that the sushi served in the Wilkinson Center has had unexpected effects on their identities. While the science behind this phenomenon is still unknown, it appears that consuming the sushi has been reported to “turn students gay.” What dish specifically? To nobody’s surprise, the California Roll. “I was just grabbing lunch before my Book of … Continue reading Wilkinson Center Sushi Turning Students Gay

Milo Aukerman
5 Things to Know, Campus, Featured

Campus Cryptids You Should Know About

Here at The Alternate Universe, we receive all kinds of messages–ransom notes, declarations of love and adoration, world domination plans, you name it. As of late, we have received a particular influx of paranormal reports. Specifically, we are receiving accounts of cryptid sightings on BYU campus. As your primary source of the latest news, we are morally and legally obligated to provide you with the … Continue reading Campus Cryptids You Should Know About

Marceline Abadeer
Campus, Featured

BYU Announces New Arts Building is Designed by AI

In a controversial announcement, BYU has announced that the long-awaited replacement for the Harris Fine Arts Center was designed by a generative AI model, a first in the field of architecture. “The new Aarts Billdng represents our campus’s greatest step forward in architecture since the JKB,” a BYU spokesman said. In front of the building, a statue of former BYU President Franklin S. Harris beckons … Continue reading BYU Announces New Arts Building is Designed by AI

Basil Fawlty
Featured, Life, Sports

Andy Reid Seen Crying, Singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes”

After losing the Super Bowl to the Eagles 40-22, Andy Reid was seen crying and singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes” in a dark corner of the locker room. “I have no words of my own. Only the words of EFY can help me now,” said Reid. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were also seen singing “I Am a Child of God.”   Continue reading Andy Reid Seen Crying, Singing “You’re Not Your Mistakes”

Cameron Frye