Student Filibusters Class with Record-Breaking 50-minute Opening Prayer

Filled with righteous indignation and overcome by the spirit of the Lord, Carrie Brooker said the longest opening prayer ever recorded on BYU campus, leaving no time for class. “If Cory Booker can do it for 25 hours, surely I can make a stand for my fellow students,” Brooker stated. The astounding 50-minute prayer included the phrase “we’re thankful for this day” at least ten … Continue reading Student Filibusters Class with Record-Breaking 50-minute Opening Prayer

Swedish ChefApril 3, 2025April 3, 2025Leave a comment

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BYU Student Health Center Accused of Egregious Human Experimentation

The allegations are innumerable. With multiple disturbing accounts of strange student behavior occurring on campus, Provo residents are starting to suspect that the Student Health Center is to blame. “I heard they are testing mind-control drugs that can induce supernatural powers. The name of the experiment is something like “Project BY-Ultra.” stated Brison Weiss, a true crime enthusiast. Rumor has it that the student health … Continue reading BYU Student Health Center Accused of Egregious Human Experimentation

Kim PossibleApril 2, 2025April 2, 20251 Comment

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Dead Body Mistaken as Sunbather Goes Unnoticed for Days

Here at BYU, students do more than just soak with each other. They also soak up the sun the moment it peeks out of the clouds of Fake Spring. However, the recent death of sophomore Bryce Garrison, 23, has cast a dismal shadow over campus. Garrison’s body was discovered on the lawn near the Joseph Knight Building on Friday by a groundskeeper who noticed he … Continue reading Dead Body Mistaken as Sunbather Goes Unnoticed for Days

Marceline AbadeerMarch 27, 2025Leave a comment

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Misguided Religious Studies Major Flips Tables at the Cougareat

The CougarEat was thrown into chaos last week when religious studies major Gordon Jacobsen unexpectedly began flipping tables and attempting to “cast out” the employees of Chick-Fil-A and other establishments. “To defile the Lord’s campus in such a way is nothing short of an affront to God,” said Jacobsen. “Jesus overthrew the seats of those who overcharge for doves in Matthew 21:12. Those who overcharge … Continue reading Misguided Religious Studies Major Flips Tables at the Cougareat