Author: Warren Dusenberry

Warren is a skilled taxidermist and has over 10 years of experience designing farmhouse lofts. He got his start in writing in the early 1950s, and never quite figured it out. Catch him in his spare time going through other people's mail and fertilizing his expansive vegetable garden.
News

Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints went through a rollercoaster of emotions last week as beloved apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was admitted to a Utah hospital and released days later. Although the Church did not explain the reason for the hospitalization in its official statement, sources close to Holland confirm that the apostle fell violently ill after huffing an entire … Continue reading Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Warren Dusenberry
Campus

Descendants of Sidney Rigdon Claim Responsibility for Statue Vandalism, Citing Century-Long Power Struggle with Brigham Young

Since a prominent statue of Brigham Young on the campus of BYU was vandalized earlier this week, police have been on the hunt for the vandals. That search was cut short this afternoon as several descendants of Sidney Rigdon came forward and claimed responsibility. They explain that this was simply the latest escalation in a century-long struggle with Brigham Young for authority in the Church … Continue reading Descendants of Sidney Rigdon Claim Responsibility for Statue Vandalism, Citing Century-Long Power Struggle with Brigham Young

Warren Dusenberry
Campus

‘Where Have All My Subjects Gone?’ Crys BYUSA President, Anxiously Gazing From Atop Kimball Tower Throne

At the conclusion of her elaborate coronation ceremony atop Kimball Tower, BYUSA president Sarah Hughford looked out over campus and was distressed to find not a single one of her subjects below. Sources close to the royal family confirm that President Hughford has exploded into a fit of rage. “What is this insolence? How dare they disrespect the crown!” President Hughford cried out to her … Continue reading ‘Where Have All My Subjects Gone?’ Crys BYUSA President, Anxiously Gazing From Atop Kimball Tower Throne

Warren Dusenberry
Sports

Water Polo Team Sad Not to Be Deemed ‘Essential Sports Team’ by BYU

While many major BYU sports teams are returning to campus to resume training, the university’s water polo team is still being barred from preparing for their upcoming season. Unable to meet the requirements to be deemed an “essential sports team” by administrators, water polo team members have become severely depressed. “Our dedicated fans are absolutely crushed right now. And I’m not just talking about MY … Continue reading Water Polo Team Sad Not to Be Deemed ‘Essential Sports Team’ by BYU

Warren Dusenberry
News

Governor Herbert Polls Citizens on What They Would Prefer to Die from This Year

A mass mailing campaign initiated by the office of Governor Herbert reportedly landed a special poll in each and every Utah citizen’s mailbox this morning. The poll asks respondents “What is your preferred manner of death in 2020?” and then lists many possible options including COVID-19, an earthquake, killer hornets, and Danites. A special disclaimer at the bottom explains that although the State of Utah … Continue reading Governor Herbert Polls Citizens on What They Would Prefer to Die from This Year

Warren Dusenberry