Author: Paul Atreides

Featured, Life, missionary, Provo, Sports

Chase Roberts To Replace Angel Moroni on Provo Temple

Following the BYU football team’s nail biter victory against Arkansas, the First Presidency put out a statement to the press. “Considering his angelic athleticism and heroic one-handed catch on Saturday, it has been determined that a statue of Chase Roberts will replace the Angel Moroni on the remodeled Provo Temple.” Noted football fan Dallin H. Oaks further commented: “We were promised that we would see … Continue reading Chase Roberts To Replace Angel Moroni on Provo Temple

Paul Atreides1 Comment
Life

BYU Students Suspect Their Roommate is Bigfoot

Every semester, the students who dwell in the Greater Provo Metropolitan Area must grow accustomed to new classes, roommates, apartments, and suspicious smells. For at least four students in [redacted] Apartments (a Redstone property), the new sights, sounds, and tastes of their apartment included the local cryptid–their roommate. Or at least, what they assume to be their roommate. Jaryn Wylson, a sophomore at BYU, was … Continue reading BYU Students Suspect Their Roommate is Bigfoot

Paul Atreides
Featured, Uncategorized

First Missionaries Called to Space Following UFO Hearings

Following the bombshell Congressional hearings on UFOs last week, reports have surfaced of prospective missionaries receiving interstellar calls to serve. The first to receive such a commission has been confirmed to be Charley Burningham, of Castle Rock, Colorado. Charley’s bishop, Joshua Brady, was unsurprised by the news. “Charley has always been a unique boy,” said Bishop Brady. “Growing up, his favorite scripture was Facsimile Two … Continue reading First Missionaries Called to Space Following UFO Hearings

Paul Atreides
Featured, Life

Called to Serve (Hyrule)

The first thing you see walking into Ian Wiseman’s bedroom is a gigantic screen. Displayed prominently on it is a small, leaf-faced cartoon character affixed to a “T” of lumber, with a small blond man in compression shorts running around the base of the structure. When asked about the meaning of the scene, Wiseman awkwardly laughed and turned off the television. Clearly seeking to distract … Continue reading Called to Serve (Hyrule)

Paul Atreides
Life

Miracle! Provo Bro Asks Date Question About Herself

Over mocktails at The Wash, finance major Orrin Young asked his Mutual date, Loureynn Allred, about the color of her toothbrush. “This is a major breakthrough,” says Allred, age 17 (and a half). “Orrin’s been talking about his time working in the mission office in Chile for three hours, and now I get the chance to share about myself!” Young, age 26 (barely), is reportedly … Continue reading Miracle! Provo Bro Asks Date Question About Herself

Paul Atreides