Author: Lisa Simpson

Featured, News

President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

This morning, The Russian leader Vladimir Putin was found “dead in his mansion” with a “javelin in his heart”. Some say all of heaven cheered as they looked down on the murdered man. The Alternate Universe confirmed that the assassination was in fact the work of Book of Mormon war hero Teancum. In an exclusive interview, Teancum opened up about his successful secret mission. During … Continue reading President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured, News, Uncategorized

Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

He can shotgun two rootbeers at one time. He doesn’t own one pair of actual pants. Once, he tried hot sauce. He is, the toughest, coolest man in the world. You’ve probably seen him around campus but have been too intimidated to approach him. His name is Drayden Owens, and he doesn’t give a fr*k how cold it is outside- he’s wearing shorts. “His white calves … Continue reading Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured

BYU Denies There Were Ever Rectangle Tables in the Wilk

Thousands of students say the rectables came as suddenly as they went. Administrators say they never existed. The questions remains: Who’s doing the lying, and is BYU covering up something much more sinister? Last Monday, students reported that literally overnight, the circular tables in the Wilkinson Student Center were replaced with rectangle tables arrayed end to end. Opinions on the change varied. What caused the … Continue reading BYU Denies There Were Ever Rectangle Tables in the Wilk

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Life, News

BYU Returning to Online Classes In Response to Cheese Touch Outbreak

This morning around 9 am, BYU students received the news that all classes will convert to online delivery effective immediately in response to the recent cheese touch outbreak on campus. They say it’s worse than a case of nuclear cooties. It spreads faster than butter on a hot roll, and it can smell fear. With around 5,000 campus cases and counting, the administration was left … Continue reading BYU Returning to Online Classes In Response to Cheese Touch Outbreak

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Life

Top 5 Best Places to Break Up in Provo

Breaking up is hard. Make it a little bit easier by planning to have “the talk” at one of these sensible locations.   5. Costco Food Court This low-key venue is an excellent space to talk about your most vulnerable and guarded feelings. Plus, who could be mad with a chicken bake in their mouth? 4.  The Bus Nothing says “I still care about you, … Continue reading Top 5 Best Places to Break Up in Provo

Lisa Simpson