Author: Macho Man Randy Savage

Featured, Life, News

Batman Retires After Learning From Missionaries that He Can See His Parents Again

When Elder John Bennett and Elder Ethan Howe were abducted by the Riddler, they weren’t worried. They had seen The Saratov Approach and knew that only good things happened to kidnapped missionaries. Like the good Mormon boys they were, they kneeled down and prayed for a miracle. The miracle they received wasn’t what they expected. Not an angel of heaven, but a Dark Knight. The … Continue reading Batman Retires After Learning From Missionaries that He Can See His Parents Again

Macho Man Randy Savage
Campus, Featured, Life, News

On This Veterans Day, Many Former APs Are Claiming Veteran Status

Veterans Day is a time for us to reflect on the men and women who have sacrificed everything in the service of our country. This holiday however, many are demanding we remember those who sacrificed in the service of God’s kingdom. Dozens of former APs are claiming veteran status, and demanding recognition for their service on the mission field. Ethan Howe is one such man. … Continue reading On This Veterans Day, Many Former APs Are Claiming Veteran Status

Macho Man Randy Savage
Life, Provo

Hidden Pro-Cannibalism Message Found by Playing FSY Album Backwards

Everyone loves hearing the youth sing the FSY medley. But this year, their song might be one not of praise, but of carnage. Janice Censordoll, a Provo Relief Society President, has found shocking pro-cannibalism messages hidden in this year’s FSY album.  It all started while Censordoll was playing the new FSY album on her turntable. “I buy all church music on vinyl,” she said, “I … Continue reading Hidden Pro-Cannibalism Message Found by Playing FSY Album Backwards

Macho Man Randy Savage
Campus, Featured, Life, Provo

The Devil Went Down To Provo: Provo Man Wins Piano Contest Against Satan

On Friday, construction workers found an ancient poem while working in the HFAC. The ode, etched onto a stone tablet, is written in Old English and appears to date back to the 20th century. Professor Filastus Dogberry, an expert in ancient languages, was able to translate the epic poem after many hours of study. The following translation was sent by Professor Dogberry to the Alternate … Continue reading The Devil Went Down To Provo: Provo Man Wins Piano Contest Against Satan

Macho Man Randy Savage
5 Things to Know, News

Five Things To Know About the Midterm Elections

Once again, we have reached the season of midterm elections. Utah has the chance to decide who will represent them in the Senate and House of Representatives. There are many issues on the table. Inflation, crime, the environment, education, and civil rights are all on the table. Is our democracy and civilization on the brink of destruction? Yes. Here’s five things you need to know. … Continue reading Five Things To Know About the Midterm Elections

Macho Man Randy Savage