Author: Liz Lemon

Liz Lemon spends her days selling seashells by the seashore and her nights playing bass for the prestigious Fleetwood Mac cover band, Fleetwood Mac & Cheese. She believes news writing to be one of the many menial tasks necessary for the well being of the human race. She currently resides in Compton, CA with several of her pet rocks.
News

President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

An anonymous source from Church Headquarters Salt Lake City reports that President Nelson is in talks with the leader of the California Gulls.

These meetings are in response to multiple reports about murder hornets invading the United States. The hornets are known to decapitate bees and destroy entire colonies. The source from Church Headquarters says that President Nelson is particularly concerned about what the invasive hornets could do in “The Beehive State”. Continue reading President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

Liz Lemon
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Utah Legislature Votes To Send Extra Coronavirus Tests to Celebrities in Need

After a unanimous vote at the state capitol in Salt Lake City early Thursday morning, the Utah legislature has voted to send all unneeded Coronavirus tests to celebrities in need. “Since Utah is doing so well with infection and death rates, we really don’t need all these tests”, said Mark Walters, the Utah County house representative. According to an official statement released by Governor Herbert’s … Continue reading Utah Legislature Votes To Send Extra Coronavirus Tests to Celebrities in Need

Liz Lemon
News

Church Announces New Missionary Zoom-bombing Program

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced a new “zoombombing” program for new missionaries early Saturday morning. In response to the  COVID-19 pandemic, the Church has released dozens of missionaries from service, and has suspended the calls of many more potential missionaries. This suspension of mission calls has no doubt disappointed hundreds of young people hoping to serve. “Zoombombing” is the process of … Continue reading Church Announces New Missionary Zoom-bombing Program

Liz Lemon
News

We Are Sick Of Writing About Coronavirus

Our publishers (we are jointly owned by Amazon and Bonneville Distribution) tells us we need to write more about coronavirus because it’s “topical” and “the only thing that anyone can talk about right now.” But we are sick of it. Not sick with the virus, but sick of writing about it. We don’t know what you people want anymore. There just aren’t any ideas left. … Continue reading We Are Sick Of Writing About Coronavirus

Liz Lemon
News

Congress Votes to Postpone April Fool’s Day Because “There’s Just Too Much Going On Right Now.”

Congress voted on a historic bill that would delay April Fool’s Day early Wednesday morning. “There’s enough going on in the world right now. People shouldn’t have to worry about putting honey on the toilet seat or prank calls about bailing their kids out of jail,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The bill passed unanimously in both the House and the Senate, and … Continue reading Congress Votes to Postpone April Fool’s Day Because “There’s Just Too Much Going On Right Now.”

Liz Lemon