Author: Hugh Wei

Hugh Wei recently got out of prison after only twenty years of a life sentence because he was deemed “a danger to the other inmates.” He is eager to be writing for a prestigious national news source again.
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Students Mourn as BYU Average GPA Falls Two Whole Points After Quizlet Goes Down Before Midterms

Provo is the scene of great lamentation this weekend after this round of midterms has concluded in tragedy. Many student’s main study resource, Quizlet, went down permanently last week due to Russian meddling. Sarah Sappers, a freshman, told us, “How was I supposed to memorize what a preposition or a noun is without Quizlet’s free flashcards? I looked at the study guide for my English … Continue reading Students Mourn as BYU Average GPA Falls Two Whole Points After Quizlet Goes Down Before Midterms

Hugh Wei
Campus

Scientists Prove that Apartment Proximity to Campus is Inversely Proportional to How Big of a Tool You Are

After an in depth study, scientists (if psychologists can be called scientists) claim to have proven that the distance someone lives from campus is inversely proportional to how big of a tool they are. In other words, if someone lives close to campus, they’re a pretty big tool. The BYU Psychology Department classified five zones for student housing: south of campus for normal people, west … Continue reading Scientists Prove that Apartment Proximity to Campus is Inversely Proportional to How Big of a Tool You Are

Hugh Wei
News

CDC Declares Liberty Square in State of Emergency after Chemical Weapons Used in Parking Dispute

Even after Liberty Square management made parking spaces as small as possible – going so far as to hire physicists to ensure accuracy within the Planck Scale – it appears Provo’s widespread parking crisis has yet to be solved. After a series of escalating events, the Center for Disease Control had no choice but to declare a State of Emergency after anthrax was used in … Continue reading CDC Declares Liberty Square in State of Emergency after Chemical Weapons Used in Parking Dispute

Hugh Wei
Life

Recent RM Develops Type Two Diabetes After 8th Date This Week to Rockwell Ice Cream

When Dallin Smith’s Mission President told him he had to be married in six months or face probable ensnarement by the wily traps of indolence and pornography, he could never have imagined what following that advice might cost. Smith returned from his mission in Brazil two months ago, but with only four months left until midnight he had to start taking extreme measures to hit … Continue reading Recent RM Develops Type Two Diabetes After 8th Date This Week to Rockwell Ice Cream

Hugh Wei
Campus

Finance Professor Scolds Student for Removing AirPods® During Class

Tuesday seemed just like another normal day in the Marriott School, but all was not as it appeared. Jace Bringhurst rolled into his Ethics for Management class a healthy fifteen minutes late after a morning shred sesh at Sundance. In fact, he was still wearing his Wind Range Ski Socks from Stance, equipped with Feel360® Fiber Technology. But he did have time to put on … Continue reading Finance Professor Scolds Student for Removing AirPods® During Class

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