Author: Kit Kittredge

Featured, Uncategorized

Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

In a completely unexpected turn of events, the BYU Football team has had an unbelievable season, blowing past predicted scores and winning six games in a row. In related news, a shocking report from Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City revealed this morning that the manic energy from the ROC section is the sole life force sustaining President Russell M. Nelson. “We didn’t think he … Continue reading Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

Kit Kittredge
Featured, General Conference, News, Uncategorized

Church Announces New Temples at General Conference

At the conclusion of the October 2024 General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson took to the pulpit and announced eight new temples to be built in coming years. He was met with cheers, hollers, and chants of “NEL-SON, NEL-SON, NEL-SON” from the Conference Center audience. These houses of worship will bring blessings to members all over the world—and multiverse. See the list below.   Continue reading Church Announces New Temples at General Conference

Kit Kittredge
Uncategorized

REPORT: BYU Students More Opinionated About French Fries Than Politics

After the debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump last week, our team sent out a group of reporters to gather on-the-ground information about the political scene at Brigham Young University. The data gleaned from these reports illuminates the tension between two factions on campus. “They’re just too salty,” says sophomore Emma McConkson, in response to a question about immigration. “I love the Biggie Bag, … Continue reading REPORT: BYU Students More Opinionated About French Fries Than Politics

Kit Kittredge
Disney

BYU Animation Unveils New “Inside Out” for Utah Audiences

In an ambitious undertaking, the BYU Animation department is currently working on a new film following the runaway success of Pixar’s Inside Out 2. The new movie will be catered to Utah audiences, depicting emotions commonplace among the BYU public. In a recent press release, we were treated to a first look of ten brand-new characters that are sure to delight and entertain critics and … Continue reading BYU Animation Unveils New “Inside Out” for Utah Audiences

Kit Kittredge
Featured, General Conference, News

Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

On the morning of April 6, 2024, at precisely 10:31 AM, brother Jared B. Larsen gave the audit report at the Saturday morning session of General Conference. Unbeknownst to  higher-ups, however, his report contained the secret to eternal life, coded in the language of boring financial jargon. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Russell M. Nelson, watching from home, said. “It’s lowkey clutch I … Continue reading Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

Kit Kittredge