Author: Kit Kittredge

Campus, Life

Student Beginning to Realize Just How Screwed She is for Midterms

In the season of unexpected snowstorms and uninvited professions of love come the nemesis of every college student: midterms. According to reliable sources, one local student has declared that she is “completely screwed” for all her upcoming exams. “I just don’t know what to do,” freshman Carolyne Carter lamented. “I thought the semester started a few days ago, and now I’ve got tests and projects … Continue reading Student Beginning to Realize Just How Screwed She is for Midterms

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Life

Every Couple You Know Gets Engaged Over Valentine’s Weekend

In what experts are referring to as an “unprecedented catastrophe”, every person currently in a relationship in Provo got engaged over Valentine’s Weekend, leaving the city in a state of romantic chaos. The Provo City Council declared a state of emergency on Friday as the number of proposals skyrocketed. Local YSA bishoprics are also struggling against the sheer weight of the situation. “All temple schedulers … Continue reading Every Couple You Know Gets Engaged Over Valentine’s Weekend

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Life, missionary

Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote

In what is being referred to as “an act of divine intervention,” a prospective missionary from Budge Hall was struck by lightning moments after ignoring the introductory paragraphs of his mission call. Brockson Thornton, 18, was caught up in the fervor of twenty other young men opening their calls in the Budge lobby of Tuesday night. “It was awesome at first,” remarked Thornton’s roommate, Brad … Continue reading Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote

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Uncategorized

Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

As a new semester dawns, students across campus confront astronomical textbook prices and some turn to less-than-legitimate sources for class materials. In an interview with his bishop earlier this morning, freshman Ammon Zedekiahson confessed to engaging in the unthinkable: downloading pirated textbooks off a shady website. “I just couldn’t deal with the guilt,” Zedekiahson said through tears. “I’ve never done something this terrible.”  Jeremy Jensen, … Continue reading Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

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Featured, Uncategorized

Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

In a completely unexpected turn of events, the BYU Football team has had an unbelievable season, blowing past predicted scores and winning six games in a row. In related news, a shocking report from Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City revealed this morning that the manic energy from the ROC section is the sole life force sustaining President Russell M. Nelson. “We didn’t think he … Continue reading Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

Kit Kittredge