Author: Renesmee

Ever since coming of age at age 7, Renesmee has been delightfully working at the Alternate Universe. She is from Highland, Utah, and she enjoys dancing, singing, hiking, reading, and blood. Renesmee is majoring in Computer Science with a minor in French because her name is supposedly French. In her spare time, she enjoys long walks on the beach with Jacob, which is not weird at all. Here's a video of her from a few years ago: https://youtu.be/UyuIcE7P6_A After graduation, Renesmee plans to get a PhD in estheticianing and an MD in plastic surgery. Want to steal her look? She will open a practice in Los Angeles. Renesmee is a mother of four dogs and one goldfish, all named Ethyl.
Campus, Featured, Life

5 Ways to Stop Segway Jerks from Running You Over

There is an epidemic of segway riders at BYU, and the administration has done nothing to regulate the usage. There are signs preventing bike riding between class switching, but nothing for segways or hoverboards. In the meantime, here are some brilliant ideas to stay safe. Say no. Nobody can run you over without your consent. Channel your inner Dora the Explorer and tell them, “Segway … Continue reading 5 Ways to Stop Segway Jerks from Running You Over

Renesmee
Campus, Life, News

Biting “Zombie” in Clyde Building Actually Just Horny Student

You may have heard screams coming from the southeast corner of campus. In the Clyde Building, McFury Tryxton Johansen enjoyed his afternoon snack. One may assume that calling for daddy is a cry for help, so an eighty-five-year-old professor clonked McFury over the head with a chair. Days later, when McFury finally woke up, Dr. Griswold discovered the frightening truth – McFury was making out. … Continue reading Biting “Zombie” in Clyde Building Actually Just Horny Student

Renesmee
Campus, News

MARB Steam Revealed to Be From Underground Sweat Shop

What is that mysterious steam coming from the Marb basement? It’s always there, and countless students hold their breath while passing to prevent whatever it is from entering their airways. Fed up with not knowing, our investigative journalists (including myself) took a look at what is underneath, and the results may shock you. The first thing we saw as we entered the room were aisles … Continue reading MARB Steam Revealed to Be From Underground Sweat Shop

Renesmee
Life, Provo

How to be Straight-Passing at BYU

Let’s be honest, BYU kind of sucks. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fit in. Remember, overcompensating is what we’re going for. For males: Drive a Ford F-150. Make sure it has blinding LED headlights, and tailgate whenever possible Never use your turn signal Get a buzz cut Invest in NFTs Whiten your teeth Make football your entire personality Wear those weird rectangular sunglasses … Continue reading How to be Straight-Passing at BYU

Renesmee
General Conference, Life

Mormon Church Reverts from Rebranding

This morning’s session of General Conference, President Nelson made a surprising announcement. “We will no longer refer to ourselves as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That is too long, and nobody’s got time for that. We will simply refer to ourselves as Mormons.” “To be honest, I am quite confused,” tweeted Bucky Bell. “Back in my day, the word M0rm0n … Continue reading Mormon Church Reverts from Rebranding

Renesmee