Author: Emil Ratburn III

Campus

“One,” Social Distancing-Themed Dating Magazine, to Replace Two Magazine

  In an effort to promote public safety during the raging coronavirus pandemic, the Daily Universe has released a new social distancing-themed dating magazine, One. One will be released as a companion to Two, BYU’s premier dating magazine for recent RMs who need inspiration for planning original dates such as eating Graham Canyon ice cream at the Creamery and driving up Squaw Peak to “look … Continue reading “One,” Social Distancing-Themed Dating Magazine, to Replace Two Magazine

Emil Ratburn III
News

Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

  While early reports suggested the wildfire sweeping through Lehi and Saratoga Springs this past week was sparked by firework misuse, authorities now say that it was all a carefully controlled burn orchestrated by madly-in-love Hyrum Byer.  Aerial photography aided the investigation as the message “Marry Me?” was etched through the burning brush of Traverse Mountain.   Byer, 21 and newly engaged, said in an interview … Continue reading Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

Emil Ratburn III
Life

Generous Off-Campus Housing Landlord to Let Students Cancel Contract for Low Price of Firstborn Child

  In light of concern about spiking coronavirus infections in Utah, and facing growing ire from hordes of disgruntled students, benevolent Provo landlord Rick Rolle has announced that his tenants will be permitted to break their leases prematurely for the modest fee of their firstborn child. Jenyssa and Leroy Small, married BYU sophomores who recently welcomed an infant son, Solomon, expressed disappointment at their landlord’s … Continue reading Generous Off-Campus Housing Landlord to Let Students Cancel Contract for Low Price of Firstborn Child

Emil Ratburn III