Author: Emil Ratburn III

Campus

Plandemic: Helaman Halls Coronavirus Outbreak Faked By Freshman Trying to Avoid Call to Relief Society Presidency

Helaman Halls resident Julia Graves, 18, has admitted to faking a case of the novel coronavirus to avoid getting called as Relief Society President in her new ward. As the result of her self-described “small fib,” the entire third floor of David John Hall was quarantined for fourteen days. “As a 5’9” blonde from Mesa who exclusively wears Piper & Scoot, I knew my risk … Continue reading Plandemic: Helaman Halls Coronavirus Outbreak Faked By Freshman Trying to Avoid Call to Relief Society Presidency

Emil Ratburn III
Life, News

United States Postal Service’s Financial Woes Due to Online Mission Calls

Recently released internal reports show that ever since mission calls for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints switched to online delivery, the United States Postal Service has fallen into financial insolvency.  In 2019, they processed only 38% of the world’s mail, down from 40% when thousands of thick white envelopes from Salt Lake City were still flowing each year. “Let’s be honest, mission … Continue reading United States Postal Service’s Financial Woes Due to Online Mission Calls

Emil Ratburn III
Campus, News

Infectious Disease Experts Backtrack After BYU Pre-Med Student Discredits Masks in Instagram Post

BYU premedical student Dallin Young has made waves in the medical community after his brave Instagram rant completely eviscerated the expert opinions of the world’s foremost infectious disease physicians. Young, who works as a CNA in Provo when he’s not otherwise busy studying for CHEM105, made his powerful comments in the caption under a photograph of a massive Provo party he hosted this weekend. His … Continue reading Infectious Disease Experts Backtrack After BYU Pre-Med Student Discredits Masks in Instagram Post

Emil Ratburn III
News

Utah Ex-Mormons to Celebrate Pioneer Day by Trekking Back to Missouri

  In commemoration of the 175th anniversary of the arrival of Mormon pioneers to Utah, the local ex-Mormon community is staging a trek back to Missouri. Noah Nombre, third great-grandson of Brigham Young, is leading the charge. “We don’t blame Missouri for wanting them to leave,” Nombre explained. “Utah is not the place,” said Nombre, who maintains that his group is not a religious faction. … Continue reading Utah Ex-Mormons to Celebrate Pioneer Day by Trekking Back to Missouri

Emil Ratburn III
Campus

Despite ICE Reversal, In-Person ‘Cinematic Themes of The Office’ Class Will Continue

In the wake of ICE’s controversial new policies for international students studying in the United States, professors jumped into action to support BYU’s students. Within days, countless in-person classes were developed across disciplines ranging from history to mathematics. One class in particular, Cinematic Themes of The Office – TMA392R, proved particularly popular, gaining over two hundred enrollments. Professor Rebecca Kelly explained that she created the … Continue reading Despite ICE Reversal, In-Person ‘Cinematic Themes of The Office’ Class Will Continue

Emil Ratburn III