Several weeks ago, some roommates decided to celebrate Palentine’s Day, but they never ended up planning anything. It didn’t matter because they just grabbed some Little Caesars and played some Smash Bros. “It was actually better than we ever intended. I didn’t know McKay was a Pichu main now, so I guess we’re all caught up,” said McKimball Smith. Later they moved onto playing 2K. … Continue reading Palentine’s Day Works Out Great Despite Zero Planning

In a shocking turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil has expanded his ability to prognosticate. In addition to his prediction about spring, Punxsy Phil says that you will be single for at least six more years. “I guess yesterday was the wrong day to break up with my boyfriend,” says sophomore Kyleigh McManussen. “I’ve been single for 29 years. What’s six more?” says grad student Jeyson … Continue reading Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Years of You Being Single

There’s no getting out of it. You watched Saltburn. What now? You have a few options. The first option is to keep quiet until you die. That’s the plan of junior, Jeyson Maeser. “I’ll deal with it when I’m lying on my grave, er, in my grave.” Your next option comes from senior Mack Lowe: “I didn’t see the whole thing, you know? Just part of … Continue reading How to Tell Your Bishop You Watched Saltburn