In a shocking turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil has expanded his ability to prognosticate. In addition to his prediction about spring, Punxsy Phil says that you will be single for at least six more years. “I guess yesterday was the wrong day to break up with my boyfriend,” says sophomore Kyleigh McManussen. “I’ve been single for 29 years. What’s six more?” says grad student Jeyson … Continue reading Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Years of You Being Single

There’s no getting out of it. You watched Saltburn. What now? You have a few options. The first option is to keep quiet until you die. That’s the plan of junior, Jeyson Maeser. “I’ll deal with it when I’m lying on my grave, er, in my grave.” Your next option comes from senior Mack Lowe: “I didn’t see the whole thing, you know? Just part of … Continue reading How to Tell Your Bishop You Watched Saltburn

Annie Gaines was in a bind. She is the Primary chorister of the Manhattan 1st Ward, but the bishop and the primary president scheduled the Primary Program for a weekend that Annie was going to be out of town. Luckily, her brother Terrence is also musically inclined. He has a vast background in music including time as an instructor at the local Shaffer Conservatory. Annie … Continue reading Terence Fletcher Directs Primary Program

Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, M. Russell Ballard, sadly passed away on Sunday at the age of 95. After five years apart, M. and his wife, Barbara, were once again reunited—this time in paradise. After a lifetime of service, the Ballards have reportedly made it to Jamaica and enjoyed some alcohol-free, Spirit World spirits. According to a source, they are consuming … Continue reading M. Russell Ballard Becomes Another Apostle in Paradise