Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

Earlier this week, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints acquired the Kirtland Temple from the Community of Christ. According to a report, the purchase was made for approximately $192 million. The reason for obtaining the building was explained by President Russell M. Nelson. “There’s always money in the Kirtland Temple” said Nelson with a wink. “We needed to reacquire it because there were … Continue reading Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

Palentine’s Day Works Out Great Despite Zero Planning

Several weeks ago, some roommates decided to celebrate Palentine’s Day, but they never ended up planning anything. It didn’t matter because they just grabbed some Little Caesars and played some Smash Bros. “It was actually better than we ever intended. I didn’t know McKay was a Pichu main now, so I guess we’re all caught up,” said McKimball Smith. Later they moved onto playing 2K. … Continue reading Palentine’s Day Works Out Great Despite Zero Planning

BYU Football to Play Greendale Community College This Fall

Last week, the Big 12 and BYU announced their football schedule for 2024. However, there has been an adjustment. BYU has switched out Southern Illinois for Greendale Community College for the opener on August 31st. Greendale originally had no opponents for the football season as Dean Craig Pelton forgot to schedule anything. After schools started to release their schedules, Dean Pelton panicked. He immediately started … Continue reading BYU Football to Play Greendale Community College This Fall

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Years of You Being Single

In a shocking turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil has expanded his ability to prognosticate. In addition to his prediction about spring, Punxsy Phil says that you will be single for at least six more years. “I guess yesterday was the wrong day to break up with my boyfriend,” says sophomore Kyleigh McManussen. “I’ve been single for 29 years. What’s six more?” says grad student Jeyson … Continue reading Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Years of You Being Single

How to Tell Your Bishop You Watched Saltburn

There’s no getting out of it. You watched Saltburn. What now? You have a few options. The first option is to keep quiet until you die. That’s the plan of junior, Jeyson Maeser. “I’ll deal with it when I’m lying on my grave, er, in my grave.” Your next option comes from senior Mack Lowe: “I didn’t see the whole thing, you know? Just part of … Continue reading How to Tell Your Bishop You Watched Saltburn