Author: James West

News

JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played. The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, … Continue reading JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

James West
Campus

BYU Announces New Custodial Internship and Y-Mountain Study Abroad Programs

In a move of unrivaled generosity, BYU has begun offering special internships for students who have had their internship offers rescinded. A statement from BYU reads: “We are extremely sorry for our students who lost internship offers. For many students, internships are the first step in their career journeys, and we do not want to deprive them of these opportunities. As of today, BYU is … Continue reading BYU Announces New Custodial Internship and Y-Mountain Study Abroad Programs

James West
News

BREAKING: BYU to Fire Chimpanzees, Hire Actual Programmers to Develop Learning Suite and BYU Store Website

According to an internal memo from BYU’s administration (acquired by the Alternate Universe’s Advanced Intelligence Division), it appears that BYU will hire actual programmers to continue development on Learning Suite and the BYU store website. Previously, in an effort to cut costs, BYU web development was managed by a team of chimpanzees given intelligence enhancing drugs by the BYU biology department. The experiment proved a … Continue reading BREAKING: BYU to Fire Chimpanzees, Hire Actual Programmers to Develop Learning Suite and BYU Store Website

James West1 Comment
Life, Uncategorized

President Trump to declare war on Utah Construction with Bipartisan Support

The state of Utah is on the verge of war following a recent visit by President Donald Trump. During his visit, President Trump expressed his frustration with the never-ending cycle of construction in Utah. On Twitter, he wrote: “It’s ridiculous, it’s obnoxious, it’s nasty, and it’s an outrage. Utah construction causes the worst traffic in the history of traffic. I will bring the full might … Continue reading President Trump to declare war on Utah Construction with Bipartisan Support

James West
Life

Salt Lake City Woman Hates LDS Faith, Consults Horoscope Daily for Inspired Spiritual Advice

Sherri Mcgeel is the epitome of a millennial woman living in Utah. She lives in Salt Lake City, drives a Prius, starts her morning at Starbucks, works a traditional 9-5 at her local essential oils dealer, shops at Trader Joes, and spends her free time complaining about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on social media. “I just can’t believe that the Mormon … Continue reading Salt Lake City Woman Hates LDS Faith, Consults Horoscope Daily for Inspired Spiritual Advice

James West