Author: Kit Kittredge

Life, missionary

Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote

In what is being referred to as “an act of divine intervention,” a prospective missionary from Budge Hall was struck by lightning moments after ignoring the introductory paragraphs of his mission call. Brockson Thornton, 18, was caught up in the fervor of twenty other young men opening their calls in the Budge lobby of Tuesday night. “It was awesome at first,” remarked Thornton’s roommate, Brad … Continue reading Student Skips Mission Call Intro, Immediately Gets Smote

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Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

As a new semester dawns, students across campus confront astronomical textbook prices and some turn to less-than-legitimate sources for class materials. In an interview with his bishop earlier this morning, freshman Ammon Zedekiahson confessed to engaging in the unthinkable: downloading pirated textbooks off a shady website. “I just couldn’t deal with the guilt,” Zedekiahson said through tears. “I’ve never done something this terrible.”  Jeremy Jensen, … Continue reading Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

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Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

In a completely unexpected turn of events, the BYU Football team has had an unbelievable season, blowing past predicted scores and winning six games in a row. In related news, a shocking report from Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City revealed this morning that the manic energy from the ROC section is the sole life force sustaining President Russell M. Nelson. “We didn’t think he … Continue reading Energy from BYU ROC Only Thing Sustaining President Nelson

Kit Kittredge
Featured, General Conference, News, Uncategorized

Church Announces New Temples at General Conference

At the conclusion of the October 2024 General Conference, President Russell M. Nelson took to the pulpit and announced eight new temples to be built in coming years. He was met with cheers, hollers, and chants of “NEL-SON, NEL-SON, NEL-SON” from the Conference Center audience. These houses of worship will bring blessings to members all over the world—and multiverse. See the list below.   Continue reading Church Announces New Temples at General Conference

Kit Kittredge
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REPORT: BYU Students More Opinionated About French Fries Than Politics

After the debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump last week, our team sent out a group of reporters to gather on-the-ground information about the political scene at Brigham Young University. The data gleaned from these reports illuminates the tension between two factions on campus. “They’re just too salty,” says sophomore Emma McConkson, in response to a question about immigration. “I love the Biggie Bag, … Continue reading REPORT: BYU Students More Opinionated About French Fries Than Politics

Kit Kittredge