Author: Jane Lane

Life

Cosmobile Paint Washes off in Quick Quack Car Wash, Reveals Cosmo Has Been Living in Creepy White Van This Whole Time

For the past few months, reports of suspicious behavior have come in concerning BYU’s (in)famous mascot Cosmo. Many parents have sent complaints to the university, accusing him of accosting their young children on their way home from school and offering them cougar tails if they’ll “get in the van.” Residents of Orem have also spotted him dumping trash from the Cosmobile while yelling obscenities at … Continue reading Cosmobile Paint Washes off in Quick Quack Car Wash, Reveals Cosmo Has Been Living in Creepy White Van This Whole Time

Jane Lane
Now that's what I call tunnel singing
News

BYU Releases ‘Now That’s What I Call Tunnel Singing’ Commemorative CD for Quick Cash Grab

Over the past couple of months, it has been rumored that BYU officials are desperately searching for a new source of funding. With recent renovations to the BYU store and Cougareat, some have speculated that tuition prices might rise once again. However, since low tuition costs are the only way BYU can justify the high school-like interiors of half of its buildings, this rumor seems … Continue reading BYU Releases ‘Now That’s What I Call Tunnel Singing’ Commemorative CD for Quick Cash Grab

Jane Lane
BYU enrollment increase
Campus

BYU Housing Halves Dorm Sizes, Plans Further Measures in Response to Enrollment Increase

In late October, BYU announced that it would be increasing its enrollment cap by about 1.5% per year for the next six years. In response to concerns raised over how the massive student influx will be accommodated, BYU has released some of its plans to deal with these logistics. BYU Housing has stepped up immediately by doubling the required dorm capacities in On-Campus Housing facilities. … Continue reading BYU Housing Halves Dorm Sizes, Plans Further Measures in Response to Enrollment Increase

Jane Lane
Campus

Honor Code Office Proposes Implanting Students with ‘Taser Chip’ to Prevent Chastity Line Infractions

Rumors have been flying all week after an ear-piercing siren was heard from the ASB on Monday. According to the Honor Code office, student honor dipped below the “righteousness threshold” this week, triggering alarms in all administrative offices. Honor Code officials have recognized the primary cause for low virtue levels among students— a recent trend of complete disregard for chastity lines in BYU-approved housing.  Luckily … Continue reading Honor Code Office Proposes Implanting Students with ‘Taser Chip’ to Prevent Chastity Line Infractions

Jane Lane