This morning, LDS Church Commissioner of Education, Clark Griswold Gilbert took the stage at BYU’s 2025 graduation ceremony to remind everyone he went to Harvard and then give the commencement address. 

 

In the address, Commissioner Gilbert reviewed all of the disruption that he’s innovated over his past four years in office before announcing that he will be the permanent commencement speaker at BYU graduations for years to come. 

 

“We have to control the exit messaging, especially when parents are around, and I just don’t trust anyone else but me to do it,” Gilbert later told the Alternate Universe. “I’m not sure if you all caught it,” Gilbert continued, “but last year, Elder Gong slipped up and mentioned the word “identity” in his address, and, well, I mean obviously we, you know, we can’t have that. It made me realize that you simply can’t leave this kind of thing to underlings.” 

 

While at the podium, CES Headmaster Gilbert also took the liberty of sorting the staff into 4 different houses based on orthodoxy.

 

Libby Rull, an associate professor of English, nervously took the stage in front of thousands of colleagues, parents, and students. The blue BYU sorting cap was placed on her head.

 

“Not open foes, not open foes, not open foes,” she muttered under her breath.

 

“Open foes!” shouted the sorting cap. Libby was then shot with a tranquilizer dart and carried off stage by two goons in very nice white shirts. 

 

“I think what Headmaster Gilbert is doing is great. Homogeneity of thought is really important, especially in a place of education. BYU is saved!” commented Headmaster Gilbert to himself in the mirror that morning.

 

At press time, Gilbert was seen correcting President C. Shane Reese’s pronunciation of the name BYU, which he felt put too much emphasis on the letter Y. “Let’s just focus on the B and the U, the last thing we need is people thinking too much about Y.”