In the spirit of Reading Day, a handful of Helaman Halls residents have finally overcome their bibliophobia and learned to read and write.

“I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am,” said Reed A. Booke, the 25th percent, unprompted.

The fact remains that the majority of Helaman residents will not be participating in the campus-wide holiday.

“That’s what the MTC is for,” said proud 75-percenter Bryson Dyson.

We were unable to determine the truth of his statement, as only some graduate from the MTC with the ability to read. Mr. Booke was not one of them.

“Maybe it’s time to check out this ‘Book of Mormon’ I keep hearing about,” said Mr. Booke, who completed his mission last year.

While this feat is remarkable, our statisticians project that these rates will be plummeting in the near future. Be on the lookout for further updates.