BYU’s new COUG Agency (also known as the ‘Cutting Out Useless Garbage’ Agency) has an initiative aimed at reducing the completely unnecessary and stupid things wasting BYU’s budget. Here are the top 4 cuts that you need to know about.

Defunding the BYU Department of Education
BYU will be cutting funding to their entire Department of Education, as professors may be more motivated to teach now that they are not being paid.

“Teaching students how to be teachers?” COUG board member Eldon Misk stated. “Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.”

Reducing Excessive Campus Beautification
Fracking drills have been placed in several fields in order to generate funds.

“There’s an oil rig where my ultimate frisbee team used to meet,” stated Maverick Steele, a professional ultimate frisbee player.

Eliminating Free Drinkable Water
In order to reduce “luxury expenses,” BYU will no longer provide widespread free drinkable water on campus. Instead, students can get their hydration fix from a singular central water pump in front of the statue of Brigham Young.

“I went to the doctors last week and they diagnosed me with dysentery,” stated Isaac Willington (now deceased).

Removing Affordable Student On-Campus Housing
All Heritage and Helaman Halls buildings have been rebranded as “premium housing complexes” (no utilities included).

When asked how this change affected her, Ashley Nickelson stated, “My rent increased to $1250 a month and I have to share my room with 3 other girls.”

It is clear the COUG program has done nothing but increase the quality of campus life for students, and helped the university save money.