Local man Jordan P. Jensen is in critical condition after redistributing segments of this weekend’s LDS General Conference broadcast without written consent — an act which, according to ancient legal scrolls, shattered a sacred copyright seal and summoned the long dormant fury of Bonneville Distribution.

The broadcast, which begins with the famous warning, “This broadcast is furnished as a public service by Bonneville Distribution. Any reproduction, recording, transcription, or other use of this product without written consent is prohibited,” has long been regarded by members as both a legal disclaimer and a warding spell.

Immediately after the illegal redistribution of the conference clips, the cosmic forces were already in motion. “My speakers started playing Tab Choir songs backwards,” said Jensen’s roommate. “And then all of our furniture started levitating and I heard Jordan screaming.”

“I thought it was just unnecessary legalese,” said Jensen in his critical state, “But I wouldn’t wish the wrath of Bonneville Distribution on my worst enemy.”

It is still unclear exactly what happened to Jordan on both a physical and a spiritual level. All we can say is that he has truly been shaken to his core.

While the Church has declined to comment directly on the issue, an unnamed general authority stated, “Let this be a warning to all: Do not test the clause, respect the broadcast, and all will be well.”