The tension started out small: a stolen couch here, a fire alarm pulled there. However, in recent days, open hostilities have broken out in Helaman Halls, resulting in multiple hostages taken from both buildings and metaphorical (and possibly literal) blood spilled. No peace agreement has, of yet, been brokered.
“Those jerks in Merrill destroyed the pool table in the lobby!” Cole Lateral, high-ranking member of the Budge Battalion, told an undercover reporter. “We had to retaliate, and retaliate fast.”
The Merrill Militia, headed by resident Rick O’Shea, responded swiftly. “Um, that pool table was a total accident. And you know what they did back? They literally stole all the doors in all the first floor bathrooms!”
As strife escalated in Helaman Halls, hostages were taken from both buildings. According to Lateral, “Yeah, we totally unscrewed those doors, but then they kidnapped our best men, our best friends! We had no choice but to do the same to them. See how they like it.”
Rick O’Shea added, “This is intense. Now I know how my granddad felt back in ‘Nam.”
Resident Assistants in the area are working desperately to smooth over the conflict, but both sides have stubbornly dug in their heels. Merrill RA Warren Peace spoke to reporters over the weekend. “I’ve literally written up every single person in the building, and we’re trying to work with our guys in Budge, but no one’s listening. I don’t have time for this crap. I only took this job because housing prices in Provo are ridiculous, but no one told me I’d be dealing with actual warlords.”
According to men on the inside, both buildings have begun stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, purchased from the Helaman Creamery. Though RAs are working valiantly to stop the war, there seems to be no end in sight.
Meanwhile, Alternate Universe reporters spoke to a female resident in David John, Annie Mosity, to hear her perspective. “The worst thing that has happened in our hall is a few stolen scrunchies, and now I’m hearing stuff about nuclear armament in Budge? What the heck is going on over there?”