In late 2023, a new member of the Quorum of the Twelve was ordained: an Englishman who has quickly captured the minds, and especially the hearts, of many members of the Church. March 17th, a day that has traditionally celebrated the achievements of St. Patrick of Ireland, has been reworked this year to instead focus on a superior Patrick– namely, Patrick Kearon.

“We felt that it was high time to update the holiday to focus on something more meaningful than clovers and leprechauns,” said European Area Seventy, Connor McTavish. “Kearon embodies all the best virtues of the church: love, discipleship, and an amazing accent.”

This new focus has brought with it some new traditions. Junior Kiera Fitzpatrick told our reporters about some of these changes: “It’s not about green anymore. You’ll get pinched if you don’t wear a suit and tie, and you’ve gotta’ listen to all his talks on the Gospel Library app. I think the Cannon Center’s serving lukewarm Jell-O salad to celebrate, too.”

Kearon himself was not available for comment, but some other General Authorities expressed outrage over not getting their own commemorative holidays. “Him, before ME?!” shouted an angry Jeffrey Holland from the Church Office Building steps. “You couldn’t do, like, Holland-ween or something? All Holland’s Eve? Hollandtine’s Day? Hollandependence Day? There’s so much material there! Like a Broken Vessel is WAY better than Welcome to the Church of Joy, anyway.”

Other students have expressed bitter anger at the new focus of the holiday. “The English have taken enough from us! No way are they co-opting our holiday! It’s pure mental, s’what t’is!” yelled angry Irish-born student Shannon O’Shaughnessy.