In an effort to preserve BYU greatness, our new BYUSA president has swiftly enacted a comprehensive list of executive decisions to take effect immediately. Take a look:

Reducing the radical cost of vending machine sandwiches
The chicken bacon ranch ciabatta will now cost only 50 cents

Securing the border between UVU and BYU campus
The border will be strengthened to prevent the flow of progressive liberal agendas

Addressing ROTC kids as a threat to BYU security
ROTC kids will now be fingerprinted and closely monitored in an effort to protect BYU campus from potential surprise attacks

Pardoning Brigham Young for founding the University of Utah
After years of deliberation, it has been decided that Brigham Young can finally be offered presidential forgiveness for this unspeakable act

Replacement of American Heritage Final
The American Heritage final will be replaced with a mass trek across the infamous Oregon Trail. All survivors will be rewarded with an A

Appointing AJ Dybansta as BYUSA President
In addition to being the newest member of the BYU basketball team, 18-year-old AJ will also be replacing our new president at BYUSA president. He will also be given President Reese’s private office.