A recent investigation into BYU’s Honor Code Office has confirmed what many have speculated for years—all lower-level employees have undergone the severance procedure.
The severance procedure is a surgical operation that splits an employee’s work and personal memories into two distinct consciousnesses, essentially creating separate “work” and “personal” identities, preventing them from accessing information about their personal lives while at work and vice versa. This ensures that the HCO’s inner workings remain highly confidential.
Day in and day out, HCO employees sort through incoming offenses, all of which are encrypted. This means they are unaware of what each report actually contains. Instead of reading each one, employees sort reports based on how “scary” their encrypted data seems.
“I assume the scary numbers must represent students who have done something really bad, like assault or murder or something,” said Innie Sev R.D.
Kevin Utt, the unsevered director of the BYU HCO, commented his thoughts.
“Cherished workers, drown it inside you. Rise up from your deathbed and sally forth, more perfect for the struggle,” he said, not in a creepy way at all.
While the HCO’s model might sound dystopian, the HCO assures the public that it is not. HCO administrators claim that employees are treated well and compensated appropriately for their hard work.
“I don’t know what reports we’re sorting, but if my team finishes enough of them, we get a mint brownie party,” said O.B Livious, an severed worker.
“The work is mysterious and important,” said Unn A. Whare.
Recent protests in Brigham Square have called to light the perceived “inhumanity” of the severance procedure.
“It’s sick. If they knew they were helping punish students showing their shoulders, or using someone of the opposite sex’s bathroom when it’s not an emergency, or having haircuts below their ears, they wouldn’t work there,” commented Kelly Rebel, an unsevered student.
Will the HCO undergo further investigation? Will the innies revolt? What can a girl do to get in on this mint brownie party? Perhaps only time will tell.