In what experts are referring to as an “unprecedented catastrophe”, every person currently in a relationship in Provo got engaged over Valentine’s Weekend, leaving the city in a state of romantic chaos.
The Provo City Council declared a state of emergency on Friday as the number of proposals skyrocketed. Local YSA bishoprics are also struggling against the sheer weight of the situation. “All temple schedulers for the PCC resigned in a panic,” said Rebecca West of the 193rd ward. “There are so many weddings happening that we’re considering an emergency ‘group sealing’ service for all temples in Utah County this summer.”
Health officials have raised serious concerns, too. “This epidemic may actually be airborne,” warned Dr. John Bradshaw from Utah Valley Hospital. “We thought it was just found in couples who had been dating for a few weeks, but now we’re seeing symptoms in people who just smiled at each other in the Wilk. It’s becoming a serious health crisis.”
This has sent ripples through several industries in the Provo area. “Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Sierra-West jeweler Jenna Lee. “We’ve sold every engagement ring in our inventory and the guys are getting more and more desperate. Yesterday, I saw one dude make a ring out of a gum wrapper and the metal clasps from his missionary tag. We’re at Code Diamond over here.”
Florists are also in a frenzy. “We ran out of all the roses by noon,” said Marissa, a local shop owner. “We’re now selling plastic flowers, but let’s be real– most grooms can’t tell the difference. They’re just glad it’s shiny.”
Ethan and Maddie Smith, two newly-engaged students, are thrilled about their upcoming nuptials. “I knew she was the one when she beat me in spikeball. I’ve only been home from my mission for a month, but most of the guys I came home with are already married, so I’m actually pretty late to the party.”
However, not everyone is excited. “This is going to be my villain origin story,” sighed Lauren Jensen, one of the few remaining single students at BYU campus. “I literally breathe the same air as these people. Why am I not engaged? I looked at someone in the JFSB for five seconds this morning and still no ring.”
As the romantic contagion spreads, a group of UVU students were spotted boarding a plane out of Provo Airport, fearing this contagion spreading eastward.