Six Ways to Bypass the Line at the Neighborhood Walmart
Flirt with someone 4 carts in front of you. Reel them in by mentioning your parent’s fleet of jet skis or flashing your Costco card. If you’re hot enough, they’ll fall for it and let you proceed them in line.
Hold hands with someone of the same gender. It’s like the cheese touch but in Utah—the people around you will take 3 steps back, allowing you to take 3 steps closer to checkout.
Talk about the time you were AP on your mission. Mention that you were close with your mission president “for political reasons” before diving into the details about your self-righteous service as a Mormon army general. The people around you will immediately pass away from boredom, clearing the line with ease.
Tell the people in front of you that you’re late for your temple appointment. No one can argue with that, and if they do, they will forever be plagued by the potential guilt they will be racked with on judgment day.
Ask people to sacrifice their place in line in exchange for cougar cash. Gaslight them by saying the BYU vending machine sandwiches are delicious and affordable.
Pretend you’re going into labor. Practice having fake contractions and insist that you can’t go to the hospital until you have purchased your 6-pack of diet Dr. Pepper.
