With a recent rise in clogged toilets at Helaman Halls, students have started to wonder if their gastrointestinal issues are signs of a new IBS diagnosis, or just because they are forced to eat at the cannon center.

“I thought those bombs I dropped in the Budge hall toilet were a sign that I might have irritable bowel syndrome, but I’m starting to think it was the unlimited captain crunch and half-cooked burger patties I ate nine different times in the cannon center last week.“ shared Ronald Bruv, three-time milk-chugging champion.

Unfortunately, the abdominal pain keeps getting worse for these suffering students. Plumbing services are struggling to keep up with the toilet massacres.

“I try to eat from the salad bar at least once a week to balance my diet but ended up getting a parasite from the wilty spinach. I’ve resorted to using the Hinkley Hall lobby bathroom so that my pungent discard can remain anonymous,” stated Spamantha Abdomonic, who is currently high on Tums.

Jason Struwart, a second-semester freshman, stated, “First I was eating the cannon center pizza sticks and next I was having a flare-up. It’s worse than the time I ate an entire Taco Bell supreme party pack.”

Students are beginning to suspect that cannon center employees are poisoning the food in retaliation because they are held there against their will. This would explain their lack of remorse as they curse innocent intestines on the daily.

“Rumor has it that CannonComms employees are spiking the chocolate milk with Miralax as a sign of retaliation. This must be phase one in their scheme to escape the dark culinary prison they are trapped in.”

If you are an innocent freshman forced to survive off of a student meal plan, we mourn with you and pray for a swift recovery once you graduate from the dorms.