In the folklore of Latter-day Saints, there are some figures who are mysterious and yet intimately known. They perform unexpected miracles. Four of their order exist. The Three Nephites are well known to faithful Alternate Universe readers and take many guises. More prominent, and thus more occluded, is John the Beloved–who has now revealed himself. An unassuming, nice Jewish boy who delivers the people of God from the hands of the wicked.
Meet Jake Retzlaff. Known as the BYJew, the star quarterback of the Lord’s University is clearly the beloved disciple. JWe wouldn’t have beat Utah otherwise.
“Bro, Jake literally parted the Red Sea tonight,” gasped Dallin Ensign, whose heart rate has not yet stabilized and jumped between 50 bpm and 130 bpm over the course of the fourth quarter. “He struck the flood of crimson, and blue poured forth.”
“It’s got to be him,” said Shearjashub Cowdery, adjunct New Testament professor. “After all, we read in the gospels that John has a mean scramble when he needs to. Why wouldn’t he sign an NIL deal with the Y?”
Alpha Sigma McRizz, Budge boy, was incoherent. All we could discern from his speech was “ The coming of the Lord is nigh! Every knee shall bow before us!”
Kyle Whittingham, Utah head coach and probable future mission president, was nonplussed by the suggestion that he faced down the author of the Fourth Gospel. “It was like the Apocalypse hit. I swear I saw Kalani Sitake on a pale horse before the game started. Is that what Revelation was about?”
While these rumors of Jake’s identity as the apostle are unconfirmed by Church Headquarters, Dallin H. Oaks noted that “He literally is dominating the Big Twelve, how much more clear do you want us to be?”