In a shocking turn of events this week, a BYU student tragically perished after spending the last money he had on a starving student card that was sold to him in the BYU Bookstore.
Sources report that the student, Gerry Hun, 20, of Orem, was on his way to buy some food to satiate his hunger when he was set upon by aggressive card salesmen. These salesmen continued to erode Gary’s resistance until finally he relented and spent the last of his savings on the card.
After authorities were called and arrived on the scene, Detective Jhon McDennyson was able to put together a rough idea of how Hun died. “Upon purchasing the card, Gerry realized that it was not edible, nor did it allow him to get free food without first purchasing another item of equal or greater value than the item on the coupon. Shortly thereafter, he laid down and decided to give into hunger. In a final act of life, he took a few futile bites out of the card. Sadly, the card did not provide any nutrients and he passed on.”
Starving student sales representative Garrett Jarrett declined to comment on the circumstances of the sale, but promised that, “We will be at the funeral next week to offer a special, limited-time ‘2-for-1’ sale on Starving Student Cards.”
The Alternate Universe reached out to other students to gauge their enthusiasm for the controversial program.
Jarom Jordan, an accounting major, noted that the Starving Student Card is a great investment opportunity. “It’s basic economics; you have to spend money to save money. The more you spend with the card, the more you save! And always check the washing machines for spare quarters.”
McKighnleigh Christensen, a Family Studies major, lamented the cost of living expenses in the area. “I don’t blame students for being desperate for free food. I’ve gone to four different ward FHE activities this week and gone to every club event I can in order to score some free pizza. You have to do what you can to survive on these streets.”
Our thoughts and prayers go out to other students who, like Gary, have falling prey to predatory campaigns.