As temperatures rise, so do sightings of the American FSY Kid (Youthus latterdayensis). Within the last week, Provo has been dubbed a Red Zone for critical FSY kid encounters. Here at the Alternate Universe, we take public safety very seriously, and would invite you to review the following tips for coming face to face with this breed of creature.
Stand Your Ground
An FSY kid who perceives that they have the upperhand may be hazardous as they can burst into song, or even loop you into a swing dance routine you didn’t know was physically possible. This is perhaps the most important factor in all interaction.
Secure Your Food (Especially Chocolate Milk)
Several variants of this breed are weaned with BYU Creamery chocolate milk in infancy and will become threatening if they sense that they are near any sort of iconic BYU food. The nostalgia and generational hype that they experience when visiting campus can drive them to do the unspeakable.
Just Avoid Heritage Halls
One of the most obvious, yet often ignored pieces of advice is to simply avoid Heritage Halls altogether. While the area can serve as a useful shortcut through campus, your likelihood of having a fatal encounter with an FSY kid increases exponentially.
Do Not Attempt To Rescue The Weak Or Injured
It can be tempting to take in a young, vulnerable specimen in the wild, but you must resist. The journey of being an awkward FSY kid is a delicate one, and it is always best for the young to be left with their own kind.
“Strength Against Youth” Spray (In Emergencies Only)
If you find yourself in an absolutely inescapable situation with an FSY kid, do not hesitate to use S.A.Y. Spray. While this may irritate them, it will diffuse a potentially vicious attack. If you do not have S.A.Y. Spray on hand, you can also try yelling “Remember who you are and what you stand for!” and sprint away.
So whether your summer plans are to spend a fortune on Swig, debut your sluttiest tankini, or never leave The Quarry climbing gym, your health and safety should always be a priority. Keep these tips for yourself and your friends, and don’t forget to stay safe.